Sometimes God calls us to share things we are afraid of. And I've had this on my heart for a while. I know lots of other moms and moms-to-be probably have, too. You see, I'm not that kind of mom. When I was pregnant with Mr. T, I prayed all the usual things, smart, happy, loving, sweet, for my sweet one to always love God first and foremost. But I also always prayed, "dear God, please don't let my son have autism." Because the "big A" scares me. It didn't before I began this journey of motherhood. But oh how those 2 pink lines change everything.
It wasn't the thought of my child having autism that frightened me. I have and do know blessings all across the spectrum and each one is amazing. God does not make mistakes, He makes miracles. But I am weak, and selfish, and fragile and so very human. I was terrified because all the moms I know with autistic kiddos, they are so strong. They are amazing. They are smart. They are warrior and tiger and saint mothers. And I am me. I am fallen, I am impatient, God is not finished with me yet. I was terrified of the mother I would be because of the person that I am.
And my prayers of pregnancy were answered. Mr. T is loving, sweet (most of the time), he is amazingly smart and he is growing in his understanding of "Gah" and "Ee-uh", and oh how this mama's heart melts when his sweet little approximations of those precious names come tumbling out when we are reading our devotions or saying verses, but I digress. As of right now, our diagnosis is Apraxia of Speech with sensory seeking and fine motor skill issues alongside. I don't know if we are clear yet, Mr. T does have some ASD tendencies, so we shall see. Sometimes God's answers are not what we wanted but they are so much better than what we planned.
But I have to tell you, I am still not that kind of mom. God knew what I could handle and He piled on so much more than that. My stubborn heart, my ugly heart, my weak spirit have all been tested and broken by these things I watch my child struggle with and through. And as weak as I am, the fierceness of the love I have for my child and the ache of how badly I want to help him, it amazes me that it itsn't even an inkling of how much God loves us. Amazing grace, indeed.
And all those years I prayed for patience, God is answering those now. Those prayers for a better understanding and more compassionate spirit, He's building those, too. He is molding me, and dear friends, He is molding you.
Our burdens and our crosses are made to break us. In our weak and broken state, He is our strength. He is our gentle response to the ultra tantrums in the grocery store, He is the deep breath and sweet words when our tongues want to scream, He is the arms we feel around us when we crumple onto the kitchen floor at the end of a too long day when we have fallen so very short. He is the nice words at the IEP meetings when we want to tell them what we think of "that" plan. And He is the gentle chiding we hear when we look at other moms and think how much better than "I" they are.
In all our struggles as wives, mothers, home schoolers and special needs parents it is so easy to forget that God is always faithful. His love never fails and it endures forever. As we continue on this journey together, I am so grateful and humble that God, even knowing my deepest fears and weakest spirit, gave me this perfect child. And I am so glad that you are here sharing this journey with me.
