When You Forget to Sing

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Sometimes parenting is just exhausting. Special needs homeschooling is exhausting. It feels like 3 steps forward 32 steps back at the end of exceptionally long days. Mama gets tired and loses her temper, babies get fussy and defiant and act out. Teething, growing, boundary pushing happens. God know it happens, we do it to Him all the time.

Mamas, the exhaustion and the heartache leads to lonely feelings. We feel lost, we feel hurt, we feel tired, and we forget. We forget that we are never alone. We forget that we are never out of His hands. We forget the small victories, the sweet sticky hands holding ours, the blessing it is just to have our sweet babies here on our laps and in our hair. We forget to sing.

There is a joyful music that fills our souls with worship when we remember to bask in His glory. So on the hard days, the days where you feel like you may need stock in Clairol or the worlds largest Hershey's Bar stat, stop for a moment and remember to sing. Sing a song, sing a prayer, sing 5 minutes of silence hiding under your apron. However you do it, just stop and breathe in the reminder that God is always with you and watching over you.

I keep this plaque and bird at my kitchen window. It never fails that at the end of the day I find myself playing catch up with all the dirty dishes that I lost control over by 9:22 am. And I begin to think of the laundry that didn't get done, the counting practice that ended with a meltdown, the last 3 nights when Mr. F woke up in the middle of the night and could not be coaxed back to sleep and I begin to forget . . . And then I see my reminder. He cares for even the lowly sparrow and I know He watches me. And then I remember to sing.

Don't let the day to day stresses take your joy or your song. He is there and He will carry you through.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me.

Pick a song, a poem, a verse, a prayer and when you feel the day creeping in on your joy make yourself sing. Find yourself a reminder to place where you can easily see it. And sweet friends, know that you are not alone.

Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I'm not that kind of mom

Sometimes God calls us to share things we are afraid of. And I've had this on my heart for a while. I know lots of other moms and moms-to-be probably have, too. You see, I'm not that kind of mom. When I was pregnant with Mr. T, I prayed all the usual things, smart, happy, loving, sweet, for my sweet one to always love God first and foremost. But I also always prayed, "dear God, please don't let my son have autism." Because the "big A" scares me. It didn't before I began this journey of motherhood. But oh how those 2 pink lines change everything.

It wasn't the thought of my child having autism that frightened me. I have and do know blessings all across the spectrum and each one is amazing. God does not make mistakes, He makes miracles. But I am weak, and selfish, and fragile and so very human. I was terrified because all the moms I know with autistic kiddos, they are so strong. They are amazing. They are smart. They are warrior and tiger and saint mothers. And I am me. I am fallen, I am impatient, God is not finished with me yet. I was terrified of the mother I would be because of the person that I am.

And my prayers of pregnancy were answered. Mr. T is loving, sweet (most of the time), he is amazingly smart and he is growing in his understanding of "Gah" and "Ee-uh", and oh how this mama's heart melts when his sweet little approximations of those precious names come tumbling out when we are reading our devotions or saying verses, but I digress. As of right now, our diagnosis is Apraxia of Speech with sensory seeking and fine motor skill issues alongside. I don't know if we are clear yet, Mr. T does have some ASD tendencies, so we shall see. Sometimes God's answers are not what we wanted but they are so much better than what we planned.

But I have to tell you, I am still not that kind of mom. God knew what I could handle and He piled on so much more than that. My stubborn heart, my ugly heart, my weak spirit have all been tested and broken by these things I watch my child struggle with and through. And as weak as I am, the fierceness of the love I have for my child and the ache of how badly I want to help him, it amazes me that it itsn't even an inkling of how much God loves us. Amazing grace, indeed.

And all those years I prayed for patience, God is answering those now. Those prayers for a better understanding and more compassionate spirit, He's building those, too. He is molding me, and dear friends, He is molding you.

Our burdens and our crosses are made to break us. In our weak and broken state, He is our strength. He is our gentle response to the ultra tantrums in the grocery store, He is the deep breath and sweet words when our tongues want to scream, He is the arms we feel around us when we crumple onto the kitchen floor at the end of a too long day when we have fallen so very short. He is the nice words at the IEP meetings when we want to tell them what we think of "that" plan. And He is the gentle chiding we hear when we look at other moms and think how much better than "I" they are.

In all our struggles as wives, mothers, home schoolers and special needs parents it is so easy to forget that God is always faithful. His love never fails and it endures forever. As we continue on this journey together, I am so grateful and humble that God, even knowing my deepest fears and weakest spirit, gave me this perfect child. And I am so glad that you are here sharing this journey with me.